I try very hard to not care about ageing, after all, there’s nothing I can do about it. Yes there are fillers and botox and I’m not opposed to the idea of those things at all, but alas, they are far beyond my financial means, so no, there’s not really anything I can do about it. I gave up smoking a few years ago and I look after my skin but I’m fighting a rapidly incoming tide.
My grey hairs are coming thick and fast now, I’ve taken my hair a lighter to try and make them less obvious when my roots come through and it does work, but still, there’s billions of them and they start appearing within a fortnight of having my roots done.
My face though, things are going downhill really fast. I hit 40 last year and since then things have started to deteriorate quickly. Until a year or two, I was always someone that people thought looked younger than I was. It’s not the case any more, fine lines under my eyes are not so fine any more and I’m getting some pigmentation going on there too, it looks like I have dark circles all the time, but its actually little patches of coloured skin which is unfortunate, and then there’s the loss of firmness, everything is starting to sag. My make up routine is having to change also, eyeliner isn’t as easy to apply on crepe-y lids and I’ve started having to wear one of those clear lip liners with bright shades because of colour bleeding. And thread veins. Red veins on my face that shouldn’t be there!
And then there’s my hands. I bought this amazing set of rings from Topshop a couple of months ago, it had some normal sized rings and some midi rings… well when I put them on my hands it became clear that that style of ring looks better on younger hands. I hadn’t even realised my hands had aged, until my midi rings nestled into the wrinkles!
And then there’s the clothes. The clothes I love are all for people much younger and much slimmer than me. And yes, I can do something about my weight and yes I do feel that people should wear whatever they want to wear and whatever they feel comfortable in, and in fact I’d defend anyone’s right to do so, except me. No, no, there are things I definitely should not be wearing.
Oh and there’s the fact that in my head, I still feel 20. Its a bit hard to look in the mirror sometimes and see a 40 year old face when you feel so young. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crying myself to sleep each night, I don’t think about it a huge amount, but I do think about it, and its partly linked to mortality I think, not just vanity, growing old reminds me that I’m going to get older and eventually one day, die. It doesn’t help that kids are notoriously blunt about such things…”Mum, cos you’re getting older you’re going to die one day aren’t you?” was last night’s gem from Lola.
Generally speaking I’m fairly pragmatic about ageing, but I can’t help feeling worried a bit, I don’t like what is happening to me. I think maybe its a midlife crisis, and adjustment period now I’m 40. I can’t imagine I’m going to feel like this forever, but if there’s anyone out there that has had this adjustment period of getting used to their new older self, please tell me how it affected you and how you got over it, if you did!