Just Charlie G

My hair is prone to the frizzies and has grey.
My forehead is so deeply lined you could use the grooves for toy train tracks.
My eyebrows are over plucked and sparse.
My eyelids are too hooded.
My eyelashes are too long on the top and too stumpy on the bottom.
My under-eye shadows are are strange, I have shadows on the outer corners that look like I’ve taken my eyeshadow too low.
My nose is slightly too large and slightly bent.
My pores are too large and I get too many spots and I have tonnes of small lumps in my skin.
My lips have a blurry edge to them, and freckles, making my lips permanently look crap. No sheer colour for me, always concealer, liner and lipstick.
My chin is the spottiest bit of my face.
My neck is ok, could benefit from being a bit longer.
My upper chest is covered in spider veins which at a glance make me look as though I have acne.
My boobs are stretch marked and saggy from years of breast feeding.

I could go on. I could go on and find fault with every single part of my body, my hands, my nails, my tummy, my bum, my genitals, my knees, my ankles, my feet, my toenails. It’s not that I’m obsessive or anything, in my day to day life most of these don’t even cross my mind, some, like spots, do cross my mind quite often, but rarely do I ever look at myself and think “wow, I am good looking”. I certainly don’t think I’m attractive. Other people do. My husband, god bless him, thinks I’m the sexiest woman alive as much now as when we met. Its obvious in the way he looks at me, and the fact he tells me all the time and it’s evident in the way he treats me that to him, I’m incredibly attractive. So why, when he tells me this, do I feel the need to reply with comments like “I dunno why you think that” or “thanks, but I’m not” and so on.  I honestly think he’s out of his mind.

What exactly does it take to make you feel attractive? Don’t get me wrong some days, I dress and do my make up just right and I think “yes you look great today, well done” but lurking deep beneath the surface of these thoughts are “just so long as the concealer doesn’t rub off that spot” or “good job no one can see that horrible dry patch on your ankle”.

So what is it with me? What exactly would it take for me to feel that ok, I’m no Angelina Jolie, but I don’t half scrub up alright? Plastic Surgery? Botox? Make up lessons? A total make over? A visit from Gok Wan or that bird off 10 Years Younger?

I don’t know. I don’t even know why it’s important. My husband clearly thinks I’m fabulous and I know I scrub up okay. Will these feelings ever go away and leave me comfortable and confident in my own skin? I don’t know.

I started thinking about this after eavesdropping on a conversation on Twitter last night (no names mentioned I promise!). Clearly I’m not the only person who has this kind warped image of myself. So what can we do about it? Obviously being told we’re gorgeous on a regular basis doesn’t work since we don’t believe it. Why are we like this? Insecurity I guess and viewing looks as important. How can we stop viewing looks as important? Well I don’t know if it can be done because looks are important, people do judge you on how you look. Why do I care what other people think? I don’t bloody know!

I’m thinking most women feel like this to some degree… I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t have insecurities about some aspect of their looks… is this a modern thing or have women always felt this way? I mean, I do have strong views about how women are portrayed in the media and airbrushing and all that gubbins, I know that all has an effect on women’s self image, but if women have felt like this since the dawn of time, is it just incurable?

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I just find it interesting and as a blogger of make up and stuff, I find myself looking at myself ultra critically, but who am I trying to kid, I’ve always been this way.

So I guess what I want to know is, are you like this? Do you think it can be changed? Do you think it’s possible to find yourself attractive without being egotistical?

I’m just interested in people’s thoughts. I mull this kind of thing over when I’m lying in bed at night and this just a bit of a brain dump!

29. 10. 2010

It’s not often I’m compelled to do a blog post moaning about a company. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever done a blog post moaning about a company before.  I’m also sorry that the company I’m moaning about is a small one. I know they’re incredibly popular though and I doubt my experience will make much difference to that.

After seeing so many fabulous blog posts and swatches of Fyrinnae products over the last year or so I have been deliberating over placing my own order for a long time. Last weekend I finally made up my mind to place an order for about 18 samples. I spent an enjoyable hour filling my basket with samples, got distracted by the children, went back, my basket was empty. Annoying! However, this does happen on sites where you’re not logged in so I went through it all again adding my samples to the basket. Only I couldn’t check out. I created an account but when I got to the payments page there was no option to pay. There was however a message saying if no payment methods appear please try again tomorrow. Annoying again, but oh well, my order was saved, I’d just try again the next day.

So the next day, I logged in, checked my order was saved (it was) and proceeded to check out. Yep, this time there were payment options. Fantastic! I selected paypal… got logged out. Logged in, selected paypal, got logged out. Repeat a few more times until hooray! I get taken into Paypal. I attempt to pay… logged out! It was completely infuriating.

Against my better judgement I tried again the next day, only this time I was greeted with a message on the home page “10/23: Checkout will be closed for a few days. During this time you may be unable to log in intermittently. ” Fine. Highly irritated that the message had gone up after I’d had all these problems, but at least I knew at long last that it wasn’t just me and that it was a recognised problem. Well not a problem for them obviously as its intentional I assume.

So that message says checkout would be closed for a few days and is dated the 23rd. (Although I don’t think that message was there on the 23rd but hey ho). So it’s now the 28th, I thought I’d have another go. Turns out checkout is still closed, which I suppose is ok, annoying, but ok.

While I was logged in this morning however, I decided to check my order was still safe. Guess what? It’s now marked as cancelled as I hadn’t paid.  You have got to be kidding me right? I’ve been trying to pay since Friday the 22nd. Now my order is cancelled and I can’t just pay for it now. I have to refill my shopping basket and start again.

Um no thanks. Having already spent upwards of 3 hours trying to purchase from Fyrinnae I shan’t be wasting any more of my time on it.

I was so looking forward to trying Fyrinnae. The colours look beautiful and I hear fab things about the Pixie Epoxy but ordering online shouldn’t be such a headache. I’m not interested anymore.

Thanks but no thanks Fyrinnae.

Anyone recommend any similar brands for me?

13. 02. 2010
All the bitterness surrounding valentines day really really cheeses me off. I don’t mind people not doing anything on valentines day, thats fine and personal, its the bitterness about it all that gets to me.
From my post you might assume I’m someone who goes all out on Valentines Day to make it special and I’m being a bit defensive but you’d be wrong. We do cards, no gifts. We just try to get a nice meal out sometime around valentines day, usually not on the day because I don’t like the set menus that all restaurants only seem to offer on Valentines Day, but sometime around then.
I just hate the way, year after year, in real life and on the internet, what is a nice day for many people is pounced upon by a billion killjoys all keen to proclaim how deeply romantic they are all year round and insinuating how stupid people are who do like to partake in it because all they are doing is adding to some kind of mass consumerism and that they are somehow lacking in the love department if they aren’t giving and receiving love notes all year round…
Yet many of the same people totally buy into the religious holiday, Christmas, buying cards, presents, wrapping paper and supporting the mass consumerism of that occasion… why bother, they should be doing all that all year round! 😉
Phew, rant over!